


Poison is Sweet Yet Kills All the Same

by Aimandfire



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood Loss, Cutting, Fainting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Injury Recovery, Isolation, Medical Procedures, Mental Health Issues, Near Death, Restraints, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Sewing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27861097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimandfire/pseuds/Aimandfire
Summary: Logan wears long sleeves to hide the collection of cuts that have been growing on his arm. He doesn't think it's a big deal, it's just what he uses to stay in control or punish himself when messing up. It was fine, he was fine. That's until he messes up and cuts too deep.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 84





	Poison is Sweet Yet Kills All the Same

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JamesAeza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesAeza/gifts).



Last winter Logan had started to wear long sleeves. It was cold and all the sides had bundled up, but even after the weather warmed Logan didn’t switch back. No one found this odd, figuring he just liked it better. Him and Patton were really the only two sides who wore short sleeves anyway.

No one knew there was actually a reason Logan started wearing sleeves, and Logan didn’t tell. It wasn’t a big reason, and he wasn’t truly trying to hide anything, he just didn’t see the need to flaunt the self-inflicted scars that lined his arms.

Really he only meant to keep it a secret from Patton. The first time it was an accident. While he was crying over stress he broke a lamp and it cut his arm. It was shallow and there was barely any red, but Patton still fretted over him all the same and wrapped it up with bandages.

When the other sides saw the bandages they worried as well but Logan told him it was fine and there was no reason to get upset. He’s quite certain if they actually saw the cut they would have found Patton’s excessive bandaging comical.

Still when he started to give himself cuts on purpose Logan decided it wasn’t worth all the fuss and he just wore long sleeves. He would have told the truth if anyone asked, but no one did.

Besides, it wasn’t like he was the only one who got themselves hurt. Roman and Remus both frequently went to the imagination and came back with bruises and gashes, and no one stopped them. Of course they were often scolded for being so reckless and one of the other sides was always sure to patch them up after, but that’s only because their wounds were pretty bad. In comparison Logan’s cuts looked like scratches. Besides, he could patch them up himself easily. No need to get anyone else involved.

At least that was the case at first. He made the scars to ground himself when he was upset, stay in control when he was spiralling, and punish himself when he messed up. In the beginning he could give himself shallow cuts that just barley stung or bled. It didn’t take long for the scars to get deeper just to have the same effect.

Still, it wasn’t worrying or unexpected. Logan could rattle off all the psychology behind it and how desensitization works, but no one wanted to listen to that. The point is he’d been cutting for a little under a year, deeper and deeper each time.

It wasn’t even a particularly bad day when things went wrong. There was a short meeting with Thomas, and he actually liked some of Logan’s ideas, but he didn’t get the same reception from Roman.

It wasn’t the creative side's fault, he was a dreamer. It was his job, to come up with outlanding and beautiful ideas that were just impossible. Logan had to reign him in, which he just knew Roman hated him for. Still it had to be done, even if neither side liked it.

That’s what brought the knife to his arm later that night. Both his arms were covered in scars, and he started to worry that he was running out of space. Not only that but the more recent cuts were taking more and more space, while also being rather deeper than before. One of them even looked like it could have been infected, but that was a problem for a different day.

He tried to avoid his wrists before, but it seemed to be the only place he could cut now. That was fine. Not great, but fine. He’d just have to be careful.

He brought the knife to his wrist and pressed down, leaving a deep and even gash Usually things like this didn’t upset him that badly, but Roman just looked so devastated when Logan said his idea’s wouldn’t work. It was worse because they weren’t bad ideas really, just unrealistic. But of course Roman just had to look utterly devastated about it.

Logan cut his wrist again, a little more haphazardly this time, as he started to spiral. By now Roman must hate him, why wouldn’t he? He was brilliant and extra, and so, so creative. Then there was logic there to crush all his dreams, to point out all the flaws in his schemes and ideas, and ruin his most fantastic dreams.

He didn’t want to, he had to. It was his job to make sure Thomas’s goals were realistic and doable, or he would constantly fall to disappointment.

He felt sick as he cut his wrist again. Shouldn’t this make him feel better? This usually helped. Maybe he wasn’t cutting deep enough?

Logan didn’t care about the consequences or effects, he just needed this feeling to go away. He needed to calm down and be rational, and this was the quickest way to do it. The pain was sharp and his shirt was definitely ruined, but he didn’t care. He kept cutting, and cutting and cutting till suddenly he felt a pain so strong he dropped the knife and let out a gasp.

He looked down to see a gushing wound on his arm and realized what went wrong immediately. He cut a vein.

All guilt was replaced with panic when he pressed his hand over his wrist to try and stop the bleeding. It did nothing, the warm blood just spilled over and stained his pale hand. He tried to stand but his vision went black and he collapsed back to the ground. His breathing got heavier and his panic got worse.

He needed help, there was no question, but he didn’t know how to get it. He couldn’t stand, couldn’t sink out, and was too weak to summon one of the others. He tried to call out for someone, anyone, but he couldn’t make a sound. 

He was going to die. He cut too deep, and was going to die. He tried to stand again but fully collapsed. He tried to yell but instead let out a strangled cough instead. He was going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was going to die.

“Hey Lolo! Sounds like you're having an adventure in there. Need some help?” Remus called from behind the door, his voice slightly higher than normal. Logan suddenly realized what happened and despite himself laughed. Remus could hear everyone's intrusive thoughts, so when Logan started to think how he was going to die over and over again, of course it drew his attention.

“Help, please, I need… I need help” Logan begged softly, his voice quivering in terror and exhaustion, not even certain Remus heard him.

Evidently he did because three second later he kicked the logical side’s door down, revealing the bloody scene with Logan right in the middle of it all.

If Logan wasn’t bleeding out he would have probably asked why Remus kicked his fully unlocked door down, but he was both too relieved and panicked to think about it. Remus certainly shared his panic but not his relief as his eyes went wide. “What the fuck?” He mumbled, taking in the scene, his face unnaturally pale.

“It was an accident” Logan forced out in a pained tone. “Please” he begged again, the ‘help me’ going completely unsaid. Remus rushed over and immediately summoned a white cloth and pressed it to the wound. Almost instantly it turned a bright red, and Remus grimaced.

“Logan I need you to lay down.” He commanded, shoving him to the ground by his shoulders and raising his bleeding arm above his torso as he summoned more cloth. Logan didn’t resist as he knew what Remus was doing, and he was starting to feel dizzy. Remus seemed even more panicked, now, mumbling under his breath till finally he said “we need to get the others.”

Logan shot up instinctively and was immediately hit by a wave of dizziness before Remus shoved him back down. “Why?” Logan mumbled “you’re helping.”

Remus gawked at him before responding. “You’re fucking serious.” He said in disbelief, pressing yet another cloth to his wound, which still didn’t seem to do all that much as his wound kept gushing.

“Yes?” Logan mumbled, confused. “They don’t like blood, and with how you reacted…” He slurred before starting to doze off.

Remus shook him quickly, waking him up. The creative side looked terrified. “Ok!” He conceded in a panic. “Ok, I can do that. I won’t get any help right now and we can tell them about this later, but you have to stay awake. Can you do that? Can you stay awake?” Remus asked in a high voice, pressing even harder against Logan’s arms with another new cloth he summoned.

“That sounds fine.” Logan slurred. He didn’t know what Remus meant when he said they could tell the others later, because once he was patched up there wouldn’t be anything to tell. He just had to stay awake, right?

Of course with how much blood he was losing that was easier said than done. His vision started to go splotchy and he started to feel dizzy even laying down. He felt tired, so, so tired. Shutting his eyes couldn’t hurt? He could just explain it was an accident later, and things would be fine. He was really tired.

Remus saw Logan’s eyes flutter close and his own went wide. “Logan? No no no no! Stay awake! Logan stay awake!” He screeched. Logan understood, just barley, but he was so tired. 

“Sorry” he mumbled, at least he thinks he mumbled, before closing his eyes. The last thing he heard was Remus’s yelling something before he succumbed to his exhaustion.

Logan didn’t wake up quickly, though their were some flickers of awareness. Panicked screaming, a hushed and tense conversation, Pattons panicked face, someone holding him down, a needle and thread, and someone sewing his arm. None of it made sense but he was too tired to try and figure it out. Each time he woke up he was asleep again in seconds, not nearly enough time to comprehend what was going on.

Finally, Logan woke up for real. His eyes fluttered open as exhaustion set into his bones. He looked around lazily to see he was in his own room and laying in his own bed, but it looked different somehow. There wasn’t any blood, not even a metallic smell in the air, and it looked empty. His bed was pushed to the center of the room and his nightstand was missing. His desk and dresser were also completely bare, and the mirror that was usually next to it had vanished. Even his walls were more empty than before, several of the pictures that were hung up were gone, along with the nails that kept them up, and there were brand new posters hung up in their place. Though the oddest thing was the worn green chair in the corner of the room that wasn’t there before, where Janus sat alert.

He was clearly wide awake, with circles starting to develop under his eyes. Janus seemed fine last time Logan saw him. How long was he asleep? 

Logan opened his mouth to speak but even that was painful with how dry it was. Instead he tried to sit up, but realized he was bound to the table. His arms were secured in soft restraints that didn’t budge. They were also fully wrapped in white bandages that seemed oddly devoid of blood. He also realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt either.

Logan let out a soft whimper and Janus shot up immediately at the noise before storming over to Logan’s side. His face was completely unreadable, but he seemed upset. Logan tried to sit up again, quite certain he didn’t want to have this conversation laying down.

Luckily Janus grabbed his shoulders and pushed him up far more gently than usual. This confused him, but he was quickly distracted by the glass of water Janus held in front of him. Instinctively he tried to reach for it, only to remember he was still tied down. Instead Janus pushed the glass to his lips and he started to drink greedily. It was warm but it was also the most delicious thing Logan had ever had and he didn’t stop drinking till the glass was empty.

“How are you feeling?” Janus asked in a gentle voice that seemed so out of character for him, but still calm and in control.

“Tired” Logan admitted in a scratchy voice. “What happened?” He asked “Where are all my things?”

Janus laid him back down on his soft bed as he thought up a response. “I don’t know what you remember, but after… the incident there was a lot of blood.” Janus stumbled over his words slightly, but continued stoically “Your things had to be disinfected.”

Logan blinked lazily and furrowed his brows. “Couldn’t they just summon the mess away?” He asked in confusion.

Janus tilted his head “well Remus made it so things couldn’t be summoned to or away from your room.” That was odd “and we wanted to make sure that you couldn’t hurt yourself with anything.” Ok that was very odd, but Janus wasn’t done. 

He looked at Logan with a seriousness, his words dire. “Logan, I need you to be honest with me. I’ll know if you’re lying, do you understand?” Logan nodded in confusion. Of course Janus would know when he was lying, he knew when everyone was lying. Though it was odd for him to remind a side so directly. Janus sighed “Remus says he doesn’t think this was an… Attempt, but I want to hear it from you.” His heterochromic eyes bore into him. “Was this a suicide attempt?”

Logan looked up in shock “No!” He tried to yell, but it was rough and forced. A little tenseness seemed to leave Janus, but he still seemed rather serious.

“Well nothing about this situation is ‘good’ per say” Janus started “but that isn’t the worst news that could be received. Plus you’re lucid right now, so that’s an improvement from the past few days.” He took his glove off and pressed a cold hand to Logan’s forehead. It felt so nice. “Your fever seems to be going down, so that is good, but we will need to discuss what happened soon. We’ll also have to make sure none of your other scars get infected either.” So that scar was infected. Good to know.

“It was merely an accident.” Logan told him in a calm but scratchy voice. “I promise you it won’t happen again.” It shouldn’t have happened in the first case, Logan should have known to avoid his wrists, perhaps cutting his leg next time instead.

Janus frowned “well I appreciate your willingness to change behavior, but this appears to be quite a habit of yours. I’m not certain how long you’ve been engaging in such self-harming behaviors, but I do know it’ll be hard to quit. Besides after everything I’m sure you can understand that we’ll be keeping our eyes on you.”

Logan tilted his head in confusion “It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid cutting a vein in the future. I’ll simply just avoid my wrists.” He said plainly.

Janus looked up at him in shock, his expressionless mask now broken. “I’m sorry, what?” He asked in disbelief. “Do you not understand what’s wrong here?”

Logan hesitated, a bit worried that he might have said something wrong. “Because I nearly died? And nearly left Thomas without logic?” He stuttered “and now I’m going to be out of commission until I feel better, causing issues in the mindscape. I promise it won’t happen again.”

A wave of emotions flashed over his face. Confusion, horror, pity, worry, finally landing on stoic sadness. “Oh Logan” he whispered softly placing a cold hand on his shoulder. “You don’t even understand what’s wrong here.”

Logan was even more confused “of course I do.” He said “this entire thing must be rather inconvenient, and I promise it won’t happen again.” He said, pulling at the bindings. “Do you think you could undo these?” Logan asked.

Janus shook his head sadly. “Logan, you don’t even understand what’s wrong with all of this.” Janus chucked humorlessly “you… You need a lot of help. It’s ok, we can help you.” Janus paused “we are going to help you.” He promised.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.” Logan mumbled, but he was starting to feel too tired to question. Janus noticed he was falling back asleep and smiled gently.

“It’s ok. We’ll take care of you, I promise. Just sleep.” Janus commanded, brushing his fingers through Logan’s hair.

Logan was confused. He didn’t understand what was going on, what Janus was talking about, or why they were all so worried. Still he was exhausted, and couldn't quite make sense of things. Janus was there, next to him, protecting him. Even if Logan was confused, Janus knows what’s going on, he must. He always knows what’s going on. He’ll explain in the morning, but for now Logan was tired. He slipped back into sleep, exhaustion claiming him once again.

Janus looked down at Logan’s sleeping form and frowned, biting his lip. This was bad. Despite how little was truly said Janus knew he needed to be concerned, and needed to tell the others. Logan needed help, but that could come later. For now he was asleep, and Janus wasn’t about to leave his side. He was so small, laying on his bed and covered in bandages, and so frail. Logan was hurting. He might not have seen it or understood, but people who aren’t hurting don’t cut their arms so badly they nearly bleed out. They don’t insist nothings wrong when their arms are more scars than skin.

He was suddenly grateful that Remus wasn’t in the room when Logan woke up, because he wasn’t sure how the creative side would have reacted.

Janus sat back on his chair, deep in thought. Logan couldn’t be allowed to hurt himself again, and not only because he might cut too deep. He needed to be safe. Janus needed to keep him safe. Logan wouldn't be happy when he woke up and realized he wasn’t going to be allowed to be on his own for a long time, but Janus had other concerns. Whether he wanted to or not, Janus was going to protect him. They were all going to protect him. He would be safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Not my most creative story because I was rushing a little, but I made this for a mutual of mine (I think that's the right word, we just read each others fanfics) who I wanted to cheer up. I hope he enjoys it!
> 
> Also this is my tenth story, and I'm really proud of how far I've come, though I still have a lot to learn.


End file.
